My Struggles With Depression

My experience with Depression started in sophomore year of high school. I had everything I could ask for, but it still felt like I was so empty inside. As time went on I broke more and more, but no one noticed. No one listened. My Depression eventually got so bad my parents noticed. I didn't leave my room. I wouldn't even open my curtains for some sunlight. I just kept sleeping all day. I was avoiding life. My smile was gone and I felt like I was wearing a mask everyday. It felt like someone broke the light I had inside of me. Suddenly people expected more and more out of me, but I was only able to give them less and less. I went to thousands of therapists, nurse practitioners, psychologists, and neurologists. I attended a poorly run intensive outpatient program that only made me worse. I took whatever the doctor prescribed. Eventually I grew tired of feeling like a lab rat having to go from medicine to medicine. I did every “it’ll get better” cliche fix any doctor would give you. I was sick of it. I wasn’t buying that if I just kept going out when I didn't want to, the more I'd be healed or the sunlight in the morning will fix it. I wasn’t even living for myself anymore, I was living for the people around me. And I eventually when out so much, I was using distractions as a way to try to out run my problems. The doctor even told me I needed to stop focusing on school first because I wasn’t living anymore, I was surviving. I tried everything to cope. I would just dissociate or completely shut down. I didn’t like my life so sometimes I’d create my own world to hide from reality. I was desperate to stop the pain. I indulged in self harm behaviors and wanted to take my own life. Understandably lots of people who have never felt that type of mental pain don't understand why someone would ever harm themselves or consider committing suicide. Sadly a lot of people's first instinct rather then to help or be empathetic is to call them crazy. They are not crazy. They are in pain. I now know suicide, nor self harm is ever the answer no matter how much it felt like the only option at the time. I have fought this battle for years and I still have my bad days, but it does get better. Depression is never an easy thing to live with or watch someone go through, but with time, support, and a combination of the right treatment that best suits you things do get better.

Progress isn’t linear:

Progress isn't linear is a saying I have heard many times, but it could not be more true. Even if you feel you took 1 step forward, but feel like you took 2 steps back you're still always going forward. I’ve found that with depression the DBT skill self soothe is helpful. Meaning do what makes you feel your best and what puts you in your most relaxed state. Whether it’s putting down your phone, watching a comfort show, lighting your favorite candle, making cookies, or playing a game/activity you enjoy. I’ve also found journaling/ranting really helps. It can be in your notes app if you don’t feel like sharing your thoughts or writing them out or a friend can make you feel better. I know a lot of this is easier said than done, but the important thing is to always keep trying to find what best helps you.