My Story With PTSD

Being In the relationship:

When I was younger during the mix of all my worst depression, I was in a relationship with a guy who seemed to be the answer to all my problems. Give him a call. He was there. No matter what. He bought me gifts (which I later realized was love bombing), he’d take me out, he made me feel so alive, and it felt like he was the only one who understood me and really listened. I thought he was my life line. He was like a safe place, if a safe place could be a person. Except, he wasn’t. He was abusive and when I didn’t do exactly what he wanted he would get aggressive, drive over 120 mph and try to scare me. Since I was already so low in life it almost felt that if the person I thought "loved" me was doing this that maybe I deserved it. Looking back I know I let too many things slide and I beat myself up for the longest time after that. I should've stood up for myself or left sooner, but I was scared and I didn't know any better. I learned the hard lesson if he hits walls, he’ll hit you too, if he yells at his mom he’ll yell at you too, and if he likes you better broken he doesn’t deserve you healed. He would later apologize and tell me he didn’t mean it or “it was an accident.” Looking back I know I’m not the only one who’s heard those words out of their abuser's mouth, but if you haven’t heard yet, It’s never “an accident” and they always know what they’re doing. The person I once looked for peace in was now the one I was scared of. It took time, but I left and I asked for help. Personally, the hardest thing for me was to be able to realize the same person who made me feel so loved and happy was capable of such terrible things. 


The First Signs I Saw of Abuse:

I first noticed the problem when I realized how different he acted in front of friends and family compared to when it was just us and things like when he wouldn't let me hangout with anyone even my best friend without him there. The first turning point where I realized this was a different type of relationship - one I've never had before, where I was actually physically scared was when him and I got in a little fight because I wasn't doing what he wanted me to. He swung at me, I ducked and he punched the wall. His hand was covered in blood and he started yelling at me that it's my fault that happened. It took a minute and I sat there silent. Then it registered. That was supposed to be my face. 


How I knew I needed to leave and asked for help:

For a long time it felt easier to just act like it was two different people and you should just stay because you love the good version, but eventually you realize you can’t live like that. Someone that loves you would never hurt you. I would try to talk to him or make him see how I feel when he isn't the nice guy I loved and how that hurts me, but you can’t reason with someone who acts that way or try to change them. They are who they are. Staying around or trying to “wait it out” doesn’t make it better. It only gets worse. I decided the best option. Tell someone. I was of course afraid of him and what the reaction would be, but I got the help I needed from my family and friends and the support they gave me helped me realize as much as its painful to leave its even more painful to stay.


Living with trauma:

PTSD stands for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. For those who don’t know, PTSD is a mental disorder caused by a severe traumatic moment or moments over time your brain is unable to correctly process. Because of this your brain is stuck in what you can call “fight, flight, or freeze” and your brain is unable to realize that the trauma is over. I’ve experienced things like nightmares, paranoia when I drive, flinching at the littlest things where my heart would drop to my stomach and moments of deja vu, feeling like I'm still in the time where certain things happened. From the sexual assault I have dealt with many days of feeling dirty. It felt like my skin was tainted and no matter how many times I showered it wouldn’t fix it. I also suffered many panic attacks feeling like I was still being touched. When all these things started I was always looking up trying to figure out if this was normal or what was wrong with me. Things that have helped with nightmares/sleeping are leaving the tv on so there’s background noise, a weighted blanket, white noise, or melatonin. Another thing that's done wonders for my sleep is a wrist band you can wear called an Apollo. The Apollo can be used throughout the day for many different things, but I love it to unwind and fall asleep. If you wanna read more about it I will put the link below. For the paranoia while driving, I sometimes listen to podcasts instead of songs so my mind doesn’t wander off as easily. I’m also currently doing EMDR therapy and it seems to be the first thing to show any positive signs. It's okay to ask for help. And if I can emphasize one thing please know it is not your fault. I spent so much time blaming myself thinking if I did something differently or if I said something differently maybe they would’ve reacted differently. You are beautiful, you’re loved, and it is not your fault. 


The link: https://apolloneuro.com/  


Quotes I love that remind me a lot about that time in my life maybe other people can relate to:

“When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.”

“It's like you’ve killed all the butterflies in my stomach, but I still love you.”