My Struggles With BPD

After being in the abusive relationship I was in, I found myself quickly trying to find a way to fill the void with someone else. I’ve always been sensitive, but when I went through the trauma I did it felt like it set the BPD off the scale. I was told when I was diagnosed it is actually well known that BPD can be turbo charged by PTSD. I had never heard the term Borderline Personality Disorder before. I hated how it sounded. All I knew was if I thought back to how I acted now versus a few years ago I was a whole different person. It felt like my brain was rewired. BPD causes me to constantly feel like I look in the mirror and I have no idea who I am, no matter how much time has gone by. I could feel myself getting overly emotional or highly reactive about something I didn’t mean to be, but I was also very aware I was doing so. Which would make it hurt more because I hated how I was acting towards people I love. Sometimes I’d feel so angry and I didn’t know why I'd lash out then cry because I felt so bad. I began to have what I call “an attachment person” and without trying or realizing that person would become the center of my universe. I would try to fulfill their every need. If they didn’t talk to me for a day or if we got in a little fight it made me feel like they hated me and I wasn’t enough. The highs this one person would give me would be so high, almost like the best high you could have, almost like a cure, but the lows really felt like my world was falling apart. I let this person or certain people dictate how I feel every second of every day. It was black or white. My mind knows no gray. I would just dissociate all the time. It felt like I just wanted to be alone, but at the same time it felt like I would die without that one person. I still have my struggles with BPD. Sadly BPD isn’t one of the mental conditions that will go away and there’s not much awareness spread, but there are ways to help make it manageable so you can still live the happy life you deserve just like everyone else. 

Quotes that I feel I can relate to or that made me feel heard:

"I thought I could escape myself by being with someone else. Consuming them, mirroring them, catering to their needs, but every time they leave (and they always leave) I am left just as before, unbearably empty."

My mothers eyes my fathers rage - Rose Brik

"I don’t feel at home in myself. Every day I wake up confused. I am a stranger wandering the streets of my mind, lost with no direction, desperate to be accepted. Searching for any part of myself I recognize. Trying to find my way home. No matter where I am or who I am with, without myself, I am alone."

My mothers eyes my fathers rage - Rose Brik

"We except the love we think we deserve." You deserve to be loved the way you love people. No matter who may tell you different.